Timo's Daddy is Heathcliff Slocumb. 'Nuff said. READ IT.

Hello and welcome to our weekly question and answer segment with Timo.

Questions for Timo: It's been reported by fellow blog mate, Jason Bartolone, that part of your Friday foursome, namely Mike LaValliere, is a local high school baseball coach down in Florida. I was wondering what the two of you talked about each Friday night when you drive him back down to Florida after the golf game?
A: Mostly we talk about the 1992 Pirate pitching staff, which was probably one of the greatest ever assembled. The top three included Doug Drabek, Danny Jackson, and Zane Smith. Not to mention a bullpen that featured Denny Neagle, Vicente Palacios, and closer Stan Belinda. Denny Neagle came out of the pen! ‘Nuff said. However, last Friday we talked about what the hell ever happened to Mike Lincoln.

Q: Now that the Chiefs have put the "You must be our Savior" tag on Daman Huard, where do you think we'll see Trent Green in the next five years or so?
A: Huard cannot have the “savior” tag put on him. Chiefs’ fans love to put that tag on a single defensive player that they get in the offseason. That tag is reserved for a rookie defensive end drafted in the 5th round, a grossly overrated first round linebacker, or a 47-year-old defensive back that couldn’t beat my grandmother in a 40-yard dash. As smart as the Chiefs are, they may want to try to turn the concussion prone Green into a hard-hitting safety.

Q: Who's your daddy?
A: Heathcliff Slocumb.

Q: Considering your roots grounded deep within east St. Louis and the surrounding areas, you've seen some of the NBA's greatest thugs grow up on the basketball court. But, in your opinion, who's the number one player to ever come out of the area? Subquestion: Of all the players you've watched in ESTL, who do you WISH was the best player to ever come out of the area?
A: Absolutely and without question the best player ever out of ESTL was Phillip Gilbert. He went on to be a pretty good player for the Bradley Braves. Any athlete who goes to Bradley is pretty much the greatest player at their position. How Bradley doesn’t win a national title year after year boggles my mind. Never in history has there been a collection of world-class athletes in one spot like Bradley University. Now, the player I wish was the best from the area was Kalen Grimes because he’s at Mizzou, and he is absolutely and utterly useless. We might as well have Josh Kroenke out there before Grimes. My advice to Kalen: Stop stealing stuff and work on your free throws.

Q: The Rams have, reportedly, been unable to sign Richard Dreyfus up to this point in the preseason because he doesn't want to split sacks with Lenoard Little. Yesterday he was quoted saying, "look, man. I'm Richard Dreyfus and this is the Richard Dreyfus show and this show airs on the Richard Dreyfus network in the Richard Dreyfus world. Who the #### is Leonard Little?" Timo, Would you like to explain to our beloved Dreyfus who the #### Leonard Little is, and what he might do to Richard Dreyfus if the two of them ever pass each other on the interstate some late Friday night?
A: Leonard Little is our drunk driving sackmaster over on the left end. If the two of them ever met on the interstate, the outcome would depend on the number of King Cobras that Little had that night. It would pretty much look like a Hurricane colliding with a Tsunami. I’ll take Dreyfus……always.

Questions for Dave, from Timo:

Q: Pick your poison, Jeff Brantley or Ricky Bottalico as the Cardinals’ closer.
A: Ricky Bottalico now or Ricky Bottalico in 1998? We’re going to assume 1998 for the purpose of saving time. I’m taking my mistress to Barbados this weekend and I don’t have much time. Anyway, I really want to say Ricky Bo-Tie, but it’s tough. Let me explain why: despite Jeff Brantley never having anything significant to say on ESPN, I’m taking him. It’s got nothing to do with performance. Does anybody else remember who the Cardinals shipped to the Illadelph for Bo-Tie? Well, for starters, Jeff Brantley. But who cares about Brantley. They also shipped a third of the most dominating outfield in the history of sports, Ron Gant. Without Gant, Brian Jordan and Ray Lankford both fell to the bottom of the porn industry...basically. And then there was Cliff Politte, straight out the home hizzy. CapeTown...REPRESENT. Although Bottalico’s perfect 1.000 fielding percentage in 68 appearances in 1998 is striking...and thus tempting. Speaking of striking, when are we going to talk about Richard Dreyfus?

Q: Which limb would Tyler Hansbrough have ripped off of Gerald Henderson first if Psycho T could’ve gotten to him?
A:Gerald Henderson has a posse...which includes Ron Artest, Jamaal Tinsley, Albert Belle, Kenny Rogers, Tim Hardaway, Charlie “the hairless monster” Villanueva, Delmon Young, and the late Bo Schembechler. It would be tough to compete with a raging animal, a guy named Jamaal, a reporter beater, a cameraman bashing cheater, a gay-hater, a hairless monster, a bat thrower, and a guy with God on his side. Bottom line: Henderson’s posse starts beating the shit out of each other and before Hansbrough can get to Henderson, Delmon Young cracks Henderson’s kneecap with a baseball bat, Kenny Rogers makes sure no camera man catches it on film, then Albert Belle rips off Henderson’s leg and uses it as a baseball bat to beat the hell out of Ron Artest, all the while screaming “I’M THE MOST GANGSTA. I’M THE MOST GANGSTA.” What goes overlooked is Tim Hardaway and Charlie Villanueva making out at center court. Schembechler watches from above.

Q: Who is your keeper in game 7 of the cup finals: Brent Johnson, Roman Turek, or Ed Belfour completely wasted?
A:That’s like asking me if I’d take Bode Miller or Mugsy Bogues in a downhill skiing competition. I’m taking Miller every time. Considering Belfour’s recent four game winning streak there’s no doubt on my mind I’m taking Eddy. Reports from Florida say “Belfour ended his four-game winning streak, despite making 25 saves for the visiting Panthers in their 4-2 loss to Atlanta on Tuesday. He lost for the first time since an overtime defeat to Pittsburgh on Feb. 22. During the game, the goaltender left the ice for an undisclosed reason and was replaced by reserve Craig Anderson for a combined 44 seconds.” Sources close to me say the “undisclosed reason” was a bad case of whiskey vomit. It’s unlike Belfour to lose when wasted, but this just goes to show that crazy things CAN happen. Speaking of alcoholics, Sidney Ponson will, once again, not pan out. And Jeff Smoker was last seen under the MLK Bridge with a forty of Old E in a paper sack. Reports indicate that Gerald Henderson’s posse will join Smoker by Monday evening.

Q:Is Eric Crouch STILL holding out for a starting quarterback job in the NFL?
No, he’s actually with Jeff Smoker under the MLK bridge. Only he’s drinking Early Times Whiskey because he can’t afford Old E.

Q: When is the NCAA going to get rid of the BCS and just let Richard Dreyfus decide who will play in all the bowl games?
A: The job was reportedly offered to Dreyfus but, supposedly, Dreyfus refused, stating: “Look, I’d love the job. I really would. But I’m busy right now. Currently I’m filming the next 15 Star Wars movies AT THE SAME TIME. Yes, that’s right, I’m playing Luke Skywalker because I’m a badass. But I’m more than just a badass, currently I’m dating Jessica Simpson which makes all my fans jealous and I’ve been spending much time consoling Anna Nicole Smith’s family...because I’m an all around good guy. I regularly dine with Billy Packer and I have many books that smell of rich mahogany. Not to mention, if I was in charge of establishing who plays in bowl games, then Alabama would always be in the National Championship because Joe Namath played there and I absolutely love that move he put on Suzy Kolber. That was awesome.”