Puttin the Madness into the Grind

Jimmy and Juan are out, which means Ankiel is in...like I said. J-Rod is still trying to figure out how he ever made a big league team. This is the year a 16 beats a 1, mark it. We all hate Maryland, but only some of us have the balls to admit it. Which would Tyler Hansbrough rather be doing this weekend: playing in the NCAA tourney, or playing for a State Championship at Mizzou Arena? Party Boy: $1. If you add Chris Pronger, Kurt Warner, and Jim Edmonds you get three extremely good looking men, but you also get the pasttime of St. Louis sports. And despite how good looking those three are, especially when they're all standing together, they don't even compare to Richard Dreyfus sunbathing near a pool in Long Beach. And we all know this is true. Speaking of St. Louis pasttime, whatever happened to Bill White and his career .286 batting average. And how was a guy named Bill White ever an All-Star? Hey Brad Lidge...Who's your daddy? I take it back, Jim Edmonds isn't the pasttime, he's the HERE AND NOW. Does anybody else collect male nurse action figures? Remember the name Ryan Roggow, he'll be the most famous male nurse of all time....one of these days.

Carlos Zambrano guaranteed both a World Series and a Cy Young award this year. This is like guaranteeing that you can jump off the top of the Sears Tower and survive. It's just stupid, and ignorant. And it seems that, with the big names that came in during the offseason, Daddy Z is just running his mouth because he knows he's not the superstar on that team anymore. Jason Marquis is. This is the third time this offseason that Zambrano has said something stupid, and usually he says it in the third person and when he speaks in the third person it makes Henry Blanco horny.

IS IT SAFE TO SAY:
*Jeff Weaver is already miserable in Seattle?
*With the Cardinals starting pitching staff going for a combined .049 ERA thus far in Spring Training, not overpaying for Weaver and Suppan is starting to look like a slice of genius from BIG Walt...AGAIN?
*Billy Packer?
*The song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" sucks? Especially when it's been a friends ringtone for three years?
*With the NCAA's going on and Spring Training in full swing, we've forgotten how exciting the New Blues are?

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy the naming rights to Mizzou Arena and name it The Thomas Gardner Center.

John Mellencamp Sucks.

What did I tell you about Mizzou athletes seemingly not having to know 2+2=4 to graduate? Well, turns out MU isn't the only school handing out free passes to the real world. Antonie Wright, star player for Texas A&M, had a few things to say about the subject, including that his high school education was more challenging than what he's doing at Texas Agriculture and Mining: “Once I got to college, I kind of let my hair down a little bit,” Wright says. “I don’t have to write term papers any more — I just have to get a grade now and play basketball.”

What classes did he take?

“In certain classes you see, you know, a quarterback, me, a running back, and then a farmer,” Wright said. “So, it definitely was a little bizarre. But, we’re all in poultry science for a reason. We’re in this class because we need to get this grade. We’re not really trying to learn about chickens.”

Poultry Science? You kidding me? How about Floral Design?

“It’s not as easy as it sounds, to be honest with you,” he said. “But they put me in there with a couple of athletes. You’re gonna ask me a question about floral design —I can’t answer it because I needed a grade.”

Whether it's as easy as it sounds or not, what the hell is a 6 foot 7 inch basketball player doing in floral design? It amazes me that we put up with stuff like this. Why do we allow athletes to play God? Why do we not riot when Tank Johnson gets off easy when we know damn well that if he wasn't an athlete he'd be in prison for years? Sports is corrupt. Give up on sports, there's no hope. Sports is making the world dumber. Go learn about flowers and chickens.

Here's to the pundits:
Dan Daly, Washington Times: “(Arizona)Cardinals assistant Richie Anderson got snared in an anti-prostitution sting operation run by Phoenix police. Anderson says it’s all a misunderstanding, that he was just doing research for his upcoming screen debut in ‘The Eugene Robinson Story.’”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “The Dolphins signed Joey Porter and released Joey Harrington in the same week, setting an NFL record in the category, Greatest Joey Upgrade.”

I would tell you to get on the Stanford bandwagon, but maybe that isn't the best idea anymore. So ride Long Beach State while you still can, because Richard Dreyfus is sunbathing at some pool somewhere in Long Beach...we hope.