Questions and Answers with Timo

With some Snoop Dogg original on the tape player, we get straight down to the nitty gritty with our Friday guest, Timo.

*Alright Timo, here's your five questions. Make it quick, I'm taking my mistress to Barbados this weekend and I don't have much time.

1)Who wins in a fight: Adam Kennedy or Ronnie Belliard?
Here’s how it will go. Adam Kennedy, a former world champion, is a scrapper and an ankle biter that should not be taken lightly. However, Belliard, the reigning world champion, has one thing that Kennedy does not — a posse. His posse includes Jimmy Rollins, CC Sabathia, Torii Hunter, Fernando Rodney, Gary Sheffield, Dontrelle Willis, Jhonney Peralta, and Tom Henke. Not to mention his manager is poker great Mike “The Mouth of the South” Matusaw. Kennedy dominates an indifferent and lackluster Belliard for much of the fight when the posse makes its appearance. Needless to say, the posse helps Belliard turn the tables. Just when you think Kennedy is done, Belliard’s former tag team partner Preston Wilson shows up and slugs Belliard from behind with a stainless steel, cardinal red skullcap. Kennedy pins Ronnie to win the title, which probably means that the Cards will repeat in ’07.

2)Speaking of Belliards, is it true you play golf with Rafael every Friday afternoon?
Yes, the secret is out. I play in a Friday morning fivesome consisting of Rafael, Sid Bream, Mike Lavalliere, and myself. Big hitter, that Lavalliere, loooooong. LaValliere and Bream always argue whether Bream was safe or out in the ’92 NLCS, but, all in all, the Stag flows on Friday mornings.

3)Dreyfus or Wainwright?
Depends. As a closer, I’ll take Dreyfus. The guy survived Jaws, which means that he can pretty much handle any situation he is in. As a starter, I’ll take Wainwright. Dreyfus would be way too intense to throw 6 or 7 innings. Dreyfus would blow himself out in 2 innings throwing that 240 mph fastball of his.

4)Whats better? St. Louis having a bigger crime rate than Detroit, or St. Louis having a better baseball team than Detroit?
St. Louis’ crime rate is awesome but the real question here is the suicide rate. The suicide rate skyrocketed in Detroit during the World Series because they were all praying for suicide when a Tiger pitcher picked up a ball and tried to throw it to first base.

5)What do you anticipate from the Boyes, Nieminem, and Metropolit era in St. Louis?
Boyes will be the next Sergio Momesso. "The Finnisher" will take the Rick DiPietro route and sign a 15-year deal with a club option on the 16th and die of old age while STILL under contract. And last but certainly not least, Glen “New York” Metropolit’s stay in St. Louis will be about as pleasant as sitting through the motion picture epic Kinky Kong while suffering from a bad case of Erectile Dysfunction.

Thanks Timo. And now Timo's questions for me:

1. How many home runs would Barry Bonds have hit if he would have been on STEROIDS his whole career?
In all honesty, Timo, this is a tough question. There's no doubt that he would have hit 1,000+ if he was on steroids his entire career. BUT the question within the question is somewhat hidden here. You're asking me about the homeruns in order to cover up the real question about how big his head would've gotten and how small his....ya know what I'm saying? The real question is: would Barry Bonds be able to take the field, as a man, with bean size testicles? We don't know. We have to ask Barry. So I asked Barry.
Me: "So Barry our audience would like to know if you're comfortable with your masculinity?"
Barry: "Oh, yes. Of course."
Me: "Let's say...metaphorically, of course,that you had taken steroids your ENTIRE career and your testicles shrank to beans. Would you be comfortable enough to take the field?"
Barry: "Dude. My testicles went away a long time ago."

Timo. Wow. There you have it.

2. Hardcore title match (this means anything goes, no holds barred, weapons allowed) Marty McSorley vs. Todd Bertuzzi?
*Since anything goes I think you have to take Bertuzzi in this one. Cheap shots are allowed, right? Because if so then Bertuzzi wins in a TKO. His last cheap shot almost got him arrested...in the middle of a hockey game. There's nothing wrong with McSorley in this one, I take him over about anyone else. But the bottom line is he's going to be MCSORE after this one is over. (that PUN was questionable...at best).

3. Pick your poison, Jason Horton or Randy Pulley as your point guard?
*Let me quote a radio broadcast announcer in the Columbia area during Mizzou's home win against Colorado this week: "Jason Horton has done every thing we've asked him to do this year."
Um........
Him and I differ on that opinion. Jason Horton is terrible. But so was Randy Pulley. A guy who won't shoot or a guy who can't shoot? I say throw them in the ring with Bertuzzi and McSorley and see who comes out alive. If it's Pulley, I'll take Pulley. If it's Horton, I'll take Horton. But it won't be...because neither of them will survive Bertuzzi. HOWEVER, while Bertuzzi takes care of business, McSorley sneaks up behind him and drops the people's elbow right in the swell of his back, then goes Stonecold Steve Austin on him and it's "lights out, covers up" for Todd. Looks like Marty McSorely is running the point.

4. Early in spring training Rick Ankiel is making a case to play a significant role in the minor leagues as an outfielder. Is it safe to say that the Redbirds are auditioning Shawn Bradley, Yao Ming, and Manute Bol as cutoff men?
*Yes, it is true that all three were auditioning for the job, but in the end LaRussa and Co. couldn't resist Dikembo Mutombo and the finger wave. So as it is, the Cardinals have a 7-2, 40 year old native Bantu as their shortstop. We will continue to follow this situation and we will be sure to keep you updated....obviously.

5. What would the Rams pass rush look like if Leonard Little was complimented at the other defensive end by the graceful, talented, and extremely attractive rampaging beast that is known as Richard Dreyfus?
*More like: What's scarier? Being a quarterback with Leonard Little and Richard Dreyfus on the ends, or being Rex Grossman in the slums of Chicago? I don't know. I really don't. I know two things, that's all:
1)I sure as hell don't want to be Rex Grossman...no matter where I am.
2)If I was Tom Brady then I'd take Dreyfus pinning me to the ground every time. Because I love looking into his eyes right before he sacks me.

Timo, Bigs, out.

And one more thing, I told you if you didn't watch that Blues-Islanders game tonight you were friends with Andy Van Slyke. Well...in case you missed it..The blues were down 0-2 before Jay McClement and Petr Cajanek each scored with less than three minutes to go in the third period, then Lee "The Great" Stempniak won it in OT.
NEW BLUES: 2-0. And playing like CHAMPS!