Uh-oh. I know a Girl that's better than You.

Southeast Missouri is a place for high school hype. Much, much more hype than there is in this little southwestern corner of Colorado. And SEMO has seen it's fair share of excellent female hoop talent in the high school field. But I found a chick that might just be able to take all of you high school boy hoopers to the cleaners. And to make it even better, she's cuter than all your girlfriends...combined.

I won't indulge her name, just to save face. In the current world of technology, you guys would be facebook'n her the minute you're done reading this. You'd be demanding her email address and trying to set up a one-on-one in your driveway. And ten minutes after she dropped the first bucket on you, you'd be trying to figure out where you lost your jock strap.

She's not big, you won't hear of any chicks in future Women's NCAA tournaments from Southwest Colorado. But just because she won't be a DI star, doesn't mean she couldn't put Ryan Willen on the pine. She's got an Old-School Tim Hardaway one-handed crossover, and she comes equipped with Jason Williams style passing. She's got flare.

If some of you high school boys saw her play, every one of you would be saying: "Oh, hell no. I could take her." But you'd be thinking about that one-on-one at night before you go to bed. And your top ten list of excuses, just in case you couldn't hack it, would be perfected long before you laced them up.

It's too bad she's not a local, it would be fun to set some games games up. But feel free to travel west, boys. Ashley Millham once traveled all the way to Durango to get her ass kicked by me at the local rec center. You could come the distance to get a sore butt too, if you feel so inclined.

Ryan Willen first. Michael Porter next. And then any of you other hoopers that want your shot. Line up.

*Remember Mark's blog on this topic?

Two Minutes of Fun

Where are the Jackson folks? I never hear from you guys. Do you really think you can beat Charleston? Are you losing sleep thinking about it? With number one on the line, and with SEMO's recent skid into the losing column, this game takes center stage in the area. Coming off a huge win at home against old-school numero uno Sikeston, and with South Iron breathing down your neck like a nagging girlfriend, the pressure is on. And if you don't think this is a big opportunity for Coach Scott to heave a laugh into his critics face (which are abundant on this website), then you're off your rocker crazy. The boys in red and black have beat Notre Dame and Sikeston in the past couple of weeks and now have a shot to knock off Charleston, not as feared as they once were, but Charleston nonetheless. And getting back to South Iron, are you really ready to relinquish the throne to a small school? Or does it stay in Jackson?

IS IT SAFE TO SAY:
*Archbishop Raymond Burke needs to step back for a minute and ponder his actions as Archbishop? I don't believe his job is to publicly criticize basketball coaches on their political beliefs. Let the man go, it's not your job to bark at him. I think there are few other problems existing in your area that should be addressed first and foremost. When everybody has a home and everybody is well fed in the St. Louis area and the crime rate isn't one of the worst in the countries, then maybe you can start your media campaign. But until then, your job is promote love.

*A five game losing streak isn't going to help the Blue's media campaign?
*Eli may be the next Peyton? One interception in his last four is looking awful Brady-like.
*Watching the playoffs from the couch might inspire the Ram's offensive line to quit being pansies and start playing football?

I hate to say it, but the Patriots win this one by 21. Enjoy your chips and salsa though.

And Jackson, SOUTH IRON IS BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK.

SEMO-Murray takes Big Stage

Not 24 hours after my anti-Sports TV rant, I notice that SEMO and Murray State take center stage on ESPN2 at 1 p.m. next Saturday. Now that's tempting.

And won't it make a few loyal readers happy to know that now I sit here, such a short time later, and ponder whether or not I go back on my daring dialect of the night prior and get my back of chips and soda ready?

If I do, then I open myself up for the violent "hypocrite" chants. And, being that I'm already known as a bandwagon fan who doesn't like sports, I'd hate to have the hypocrite title on my watch as well. It wouldn't look good for me and could cast a shadow on my blossoming blogging career.

I've yet to see Semo play this season. The prospect is tempting. It's not like I renounced all my possessions and moved to Nepal, you know? All I said is that I don't miss watching sports on TV. I suggested walking around the woods as a substitute. So it's ok for me to peak at the TV from time to time, right? That doesn't make me a terrible person, does it?

Should I do it? Or not? Should I watch a SEMO team, that hasn't knowingly cheated since the Ron Shumate-era, put a serious ass-whoopin on Murray State? Or should I just read about it on the AP wire?

You tell me. Are they worth the watch at the risk of my ego and character marching to the forefront and taking the bullets for my sports soft side?

Will SEMO fans ever forgive me for ostracising television the week prior to SEMO's big time ESPN2 matchup with OVC rival and bitter enemy Murray State?

Or can they trust that SEMO tickets as a gift for my first first reconciliation is still the best gift I've ever received? Can they trust that my heart broke when I saw, from the very top row of a packed Show-Me-Center, Aubrey Reese float one over Bud Eley's hand and into the bottom of the net for a Murray State buzzer beater? Can they trust that when my dad introduced me to Luther Bond, and I got the honor of shaking the big guy's hand, I didn't wash my hands for two weeks? Can they trust that I still hear the echo's of "threeeeeeeee point basket by #3 Cuuurtis SHELLtonnn." Can they trust that I still bleed red blood?

Or is all hope lost? What should I do? Watch or no?

Blow Up Your TV

I promised a Roger Clemens rant. But I think I'm over it. Today, I saw the bigger picture. And Roger Clemens is right in the front of it, so instead of ignorantly lambasting him to no avail, I've decided to take a slightly different rout than a rant.

At work today, one of my fellow employees asked me if I caught some episode of some television show on TV last night. I replied no, explaining that I don't have a TV. He asked me, "What? But don't you miss all your sports shows and games?"

I sat there a minute, letting the realization that I don't miss them sink in and trying to figure out an explanation as to why I don't miss them. Then it hit me: "No, Moe, I don't miss them at all. It's corrupt. Everything, every sport is corrupt. And why would I miss watching overpaid multi-millionaires, that I have no relationship with, play sports?"

Before you correct me, I already understand that sports is a tradition all over the world. And I understand that 60,000 people in a stadium, rooting for a single team, is a good thing. In fact, I know it's a GREAT thing. It's a shame us crazy sports fans can't rally 60,000 of us into a stadium for more important issues. But nonetheless, that many people being together for a common cause has helped Americans through many tough trials and tribulations. I understand WHY sports is good. Don't get me wrong.

But the reason I don't miss watching it on TV anymore is because it's gone dirty. And I mean filthy. You name it, we've got it. The steroid issue plagues sports across the board. Almost every major sport has been hit, whether publicly or privately. The NBA has been hit with corrupt officiating and a gangster, fight-for-the-win attitude. The NFL had two cases this season of illegal "spying" on the other teams. Baseball, cycling, and track and field are all so deep in their own steroid issues that they can't see out of their holes. People will always come back for baseball, that much has been proven, but the other two...

Fingers are crossed.

And I doubt hockey is innocent either. It's hard for me to say fighting in the NBA is bad and fighting in the NHL is good, isn't it? But that's not the only thing going on in the professional hockey circuit. The greatest player EVER was rumored to be involved with a very serious gambling ring, and don't think they've completely avoided the steroid issue either. It's just that nobody cares.

College sports? Please. There is just as much, if not more, corruption, lying, and cheating across the board at the collegiate level than there is the pros.

So I do I miss it? No. Not the slightest bit. I follow the local teams online, but I seldom flock to a sports bar anymore to catch a glimpse. Mizzou, this season, was the exception. And rightfully so.

But what is there to miss? I've caught two Durango high school hoops games in the past two weeks. One Lady Demons game, and one boys game. And they were absolutely thrilling. And that's all I need.

I don't need a TV in order to watch great sports. I don't need a TV to watch great athletes. It's all over the place. And the sports that you'll get the biggest kick out of are the ones that aren't corrupted, that know no money, and still have players in their game that believe PLAYING THE GAME is the most important part.

Try it. Tune that garbage out. Screw Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Screw Marion Jones and Tim Donaghy. Forget about the college coaches that cheat, and the big money men in college football that consistently ruin the season. Forget it all. Go for a hike in the woods. You'll be happier.

Is Rolen a 'Jay?

Man, I'm telling you, you could hear me moaning from a mile away when I caught wind that the Cardinals were moving Scott Rolen. I didn't care if we were getting Johan Santana, I was going to convince anybody around it was a terrible idea. I didn't care, I wasn't in the mood for it.

I'm better now. And once again, I'll echo the thoughts of St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist, Jeff Gordon, although not as entirely this time. I'm ok with this trade, but only because it makes Scott Rolen happy.

I'm not on the Troy Glaus bandwagon quite yet though. This is a guy who's battled his own fair share of injuries in the past, has never hit for average, and has never been known for flashy glove work. I'm a high-average, hard-nosed defense kind of guy. Troy Glaus doesn't fit the profile. His offensive production will need to improve before I'm on the wagon with this trade.

If he is healthy and can hit the ball, then I'm sure I'll come around. But I don't want to hear all this about Albert Pujols needing protection. Troy Glaus isn't that scary. The Yankees have seven guys batting in their lineup that are scarier than Glaus. The Tigers have six, and the Mets have five. We need guys that can hit behind both Glaus and Pujols in order to apply proper protection.

I'm rooting for him. I remember liking him when I was a little kid and he played for the Angels.

And cheers to Scott Rolen. It was a damn pleasure watching you play baseball. You're the first ballplayer I'll ever mention to my kids. It took you and Mike Matheny wearing Cardinal red to remind me how I wanted to teach my kids to play: arms out, butt out, eye on the ball, hustle all the way.

STOP THE BS

I'm on a bus, and I'm honking at Rick Majerus to get the hell out of my way. Who's honking with me?

"It's like being a step-parent," Majerus says. "I didn't pick them, they didn't pick me."

Hold on, Cowboy. True, St. Louis hoops hasn't seen anything as big as you in it's history, but that doesn't mean you're getting a hall pass from scrutiny. We're paying you millions of dollars to coach and get the best from the kids you've got, not to whip up some BS excuse about how these aren't your kids.

These are your kids, Ricky. These are your boys. These are the soldiers. As their coach, you march with them. Not behind them, griping to your buddies about how great it's going to be in a couple years when you'll have it all your way.

These are your men. Don't be a coward. It's not what we want in a basketball coach, and it's not fair to the kids.

Plus, it contradicts all those great things we've heard about you.

I like you, guy. And that's why I'm not going to split your time on this blog page with my rant on that completely disloyal, sulking, dishonest, cheating, ruthless lying Roger Clemens. You get this day alone, but tomorrow...I'm taking Roger down. And it's going to be harsh. And I don't want you to hear it. So straighten up your act.

The Big Show - Handing out the Hardware

In all reality, it was a year of agony for professional sports. Baseball's doping history proved real, and extremely embarrassing. Professional football was stroked with cheaters as well, although they got off the hook much easier. And it wasn't just the players, "Spygate" centered on coaches. Professional basketball turned out to be corrupt - to few's surprise - and their end of the deal concerned the officiating. The NFL and NBA had a number of players gunned down, or caught with guns, in gang-related or other obscure events. MLB was associated with at least four well-known drinking and driving charges, two of which resulted in deaths. Surprisingly enough, it was the NHL that made out best this year amongst the big time professional sports. Their ratings are growing, the stars are flourishing, and not a single player has blurted out steroid allegations against a household star.

On the college scene, college football didn't make out much better: the call for a playoff system grew louder with the BCS' obvious money-driven scheme. The notorious BIG BOYS of college football couldn't get to where they were supposed to be without the help of the black suits. And, unlike the past, this season, it was obvious. NCAA hoops is living in an exciting time of parody. Florida became the first repeat champion since Duke in 1991 and 1992. Duke cleaned up its name, finding their lacrosse boys to be innocent of any major crime. Mizzou and Illinois each had impressive and exciting seasons in football. And low and behold, Southeast Missouri State is on the edge of proving themselves a legitimate OVC threat once again in hoops.

The controversy on the Southeast Missouri high school scene was wide, as per the usual. The high school hoops show is just getting fired up, and there looks to be a grand follow-up season to last year's area success. Charleston finished as state champs in hoops and Notre Dame's soccer team brought home a ring as well. Bell City and Notre Dame found itself in Columbia, along side Charleston, for the hoops' final four. Jackson landed in the Christmas tournament final for the fifth consecutive time, and it's football team went to the final four. On the softball diamond, both Kelly and Notre Dame went to the final four. (I'm sure there was more, but it's tough to keep tabs from a distance. For those who can list other team accomplishments, or individual accomplishments, that deserve to be recognized please post them.) Numerous "small sports" across the area produced state qualifiers and state champions. And the only "doping" accusations were off-the-wall comments on blog boards concerning Tom Petty's favorite girlfriend. A number of teams look to be able to compete on a statewide level this coming season as well.

All across the board, from Pee Wee ball to the Bigs, the story lines mounted up. There's simply no way to mention them all. So, at the break of this new year, here's my non-systematic award show:

Most Embarrassing Moment for St. Louis Fans: The release of Tony LaRussa's sobriety test on the world wide web. The video proved to be far worse than originally reported. LaRussa was hammered drunk, and the following news of Josh Hancock's death didn't combine for a banner year in Cardinal baseball headlines.

Most Enthusiastic Move in a Positive Direction Among St. Louis teams: The St. Louis Blues and the addition of top tier stars Paul Kariya and Andy McDonald, the acquisition of youngsters Erik Johnson and Brad Boyes, and the re-signing of veteran All-Star Keith Tkachuck. The Blues upper management proves to its fans that it's serious about putting St. Louis back on the hockey map. The continuing development of youngsters within the organization and revived attraction from big-name stars gives St. Louis one of the brighter 10-year futures in the national hockey league.

Greatest High School Moments: The combination of great team performances across the board went a long way in pushing Southeast Missouri onto the map with the well-known St. Louis powerhouses. Although many fans in the area don't seem to want to cheer together, they damn well should. The greatest high school moment of 2007 didn't come from a single team or individual, but rather it came as a region. More than one state championship, a plethora of state qualifiers, and a copious amount of individual talent that's finding its place in colleges across the nation all amount to one thing....St. Louis be warned. Southeast Missouri is for real.

Most exciting thing to watch as a baseball fan: The collapse of the New York Mets. Adding Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez, Carlos Delgado, Tom Glavine and Billy Wagner added 306.5 million to the payroll in the offseason alone. My friends, there wasn't another NL team CLOSE to the Met's payroll. With that talent, they were a shoe-in for the pennant.

Um...It was "glee bordering on euphoria" watching this colossal giant collapse like Goliath. 17 games to play. A seven game lead. Not even Bob Knight could choke something this big. What made it worse, or better, was their final seven game homestand: losing six of the seven to the Nationals, Cardinals, and Marlins - none of which had winning records. The Phillies flew past the Mets and into the playoffs, the division rival Phils took all eight of their final meetings against the Mets. And on the final day of the season, Hall of Famer Tom Glavine turned in an impressive seven run first inning, getting only one out, in an 8-1 loss to Florida.

Saddest Affair in professional sports: Doping.
Of all the athletes who have been caught red-handed, there is one I like bashing the most. And I wish I could say it better, but I can't. So I'll let an unknown yahoo.com sports writer tell it for me:

"Let's see, before he left Boston he said he wanted to be closer to his family but ended up in Toronto, proving he was either fibbing or failed geography. Then he abandoned Toronto so he could join a team that won 114 games in 1998 and collect a couple of World Series rings with a team that hardly needed him. While in New York, he managed to become Public Enemy No. 1 for Mets fans by drilling Mike Piazza in the coconut and then throwing a shattered bat at him in the Series. Then, after accepting all the fare-thee-well honors and accessories from the Yankees he "retired" to Houston, where he would perfect the process of playing the franchises he supposedly loved off against one another.

So there was no shortage of baseball fans who must have reveled in the Rocket's season of discontent in 2007. After signing a prorated $28M deal with the Yankees in May — that would earn him $17,442,637 and cost the team an additional $6.98M in luxury tax penalties — Roger Clemenswent 6-6. In other words, the Yankees shelled out more than $4M per win. Clemens lasted less than three innings in his only ALDS start, hobbling off the mound with a leg injury.

Things only got better for Rocket haters after the season when the Mitchell Report landed with a thud on the pitcher's toe. In light of Brian McNamee's testimony, Andy Pettitte's corroborating confession and C.J. Nitkowski's endorsement of McNamee's character, Clemens — whose career took an obvious steroid arc — has become increasingly isolated with his denials. The world is waiting for that defamation lawsuit, Roger. Wouldn't it be fun to watch George Mitchell, prosecutor of more than 1,000 cases, cross-examine Clemens under oath? C'mon, Roger, go for it. Roger? Roger?"

And there you have it. Oh, how there was so much more. But for me, these topped the list. Remind me of the things I missed, and cash in with some of your own.

My congratulations goes out to all the high schools and high school athletes who accomplished their goals and dreams this season. There is no better time to play sports than in high school, and for those of you who rose to the top of the high school world, you deserve to be cheered. For the others, there's always this year.

Here's to 2008, may it be one hell of a year.

A Tribute....to "Two Minutes of Fun!"

Who wants to be the most dysfunctional family in America? The Spears Family raises their hand from the front row. Tara Reid is bordering on cracked-out "I can't get no room service," pyscho-woman. The chances of Barry Bonds DHing next year in the sorry-excuse-for-a-baseball league AL are getting slimmer by the denial. Luther Bond. Roger Clemens and the 60 Minute Interview that will live in infamy. Jackson High School basketball at the Christmas Tournament. Sikeston High School Hoops in the semosportsweb high school hoops poll. Matt Clement in a better looking red. Mark Mulder's recovery. Chris Carpenter's recovery. That son-of-a-gun Aaron Miles - who's always on base. The poor folks in Nevada and the gamblers in Las Vegas. Marion Jones and her bombshell self having to give it all back. Rhode Island basketball. Bron-Bron and Kobe-yashi. Kariya Blues, Timo, and Dreyfus.

What's fatter? The lies of Roger Clemens or Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass on a tabloid cover?

Is it safe to say:
*Kansas still didn't deserve a spot in a BCS game?
*All the chatter from Illinois fans to Mizzou fans at the Border War game concerning Illinois' bid to the rose bowl has been hushed by the mighty Trojans?
*The parents of the young man who impregnated the youngest Spears' child don't know whether to be angry or confused: how much money can they get out of this?
*With the addition of Matt Clement, the Cardinals still haven't reloaded their rotation?

Quips:
Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “This just in. Bobby Petrino, who jilted the Atlanta Falcons for Arkansas, and Rich Rodriguez, who dumped West Virginia for Michigan, have been named co-winners of the 2007 Nick Saban Integrity Award.”

David Caraviello, NASCAR.com: “The purists are howling. They fire off e-mails about Toyota and Juan Montoya that border on racist. They want to know why the Nationwide Series dares to compete in Canada and Mexico, when there are perfectly fine tracks here in the good ol’ USA. They start tossing out references to Pearl Harbor at the mere mention of a Camry. . . . They want to know what all these foreigners like Dario Franchitti and Jacques Villeneuve are doing in a series that was supposed to be all-American.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Trent Edwards, rookie out of Stanford, threw for more touchdowns than Matt Leinart, Heisman winner out of USC. Then again, so did Vinny Testaverde, who won the Heisman midway through Ronald Reagan’s second term.”

Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times: “As feared, this was The Stepdaddy of Them All, the biggest Hollywood mismatch since the babe and fat guy in ‘Knocked Up.’ As feared, this was USC’s ‘first scrimmage of next season,’ as mouthy alum Keyshawn Johnson had woofed. As feared, the Fighting Illini were blown out of the 2008 Rose Bowl almost as badly as they were blown out of the 1984 Rose Bowl, which suggests they try the Outback Bowl or Champs Sports Bowl next time.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “In Thursday’s Orange Bowl Classic, I like Virginia Tech over Kansas in a close game. Unless the result is determined by the two coaches in an all-you-can-eat buffet. Then I will take KU’s Mark Mangino. Big. Really big.The payout to both OBC teams will be worth millions. Kansas is expected to break even, after deductions for Mangino’s meals per diem.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Los Angeles Galaxy president and general manager Alexi Lalas proclaimed that David Beckham would have a greater impact on the landscape of American sport than Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan. Becks, as he is known, played a total of 252 minutes for the Galaxy, approximately 40 minutes less than the press conference to introduce him and wife Posh.”

I'll be back tomorrow with my 2007 Awards Show.