Rams, Cardinals, and Puke...Oh my!

The Rams are 0-2...for the season...and at home. The Cardinals have won one game in their last twelve. And I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I watch either of them.

Last night looked promising...didn't it? Sitting at the Ballpark Pub having a few friendly Budweiser's and watching Monday Night Football. Charles Barkley...of all people...announced that the Phillies had blown an 11-run lead. My heart jumped...this was the turnaround - the motivation - that we needed. We were set to make another run, and this time we would finish. And about the time I had convinced my cousin Butch that it was true and real this time...ESPN came on with a game update and we saw Ryan Howard blast a two run job into the yard. Bullshit.

Am I giving up? Well...I can't. Mainly because it seems like all I ever do is blast St. Louis fans for being bandwagoners. But, for crying out loud, if you haven't given up hope yet, then hope must vanish around the next corner. This season just doesn't have the same feeling as the last one. I don't get the sense that this team can pull it together and make the playoffs, much less make a run if they get there.

The truth is that between opening day and today...this is a rebuilt team. Without their ace staffer. Their opening day second basemen, third basemen, right fielder, and center fielder are no guarantees to get the start.

Bottom Line: It's tough to win ballgames when things get that weird.

***As for the Rams. Well, word out of St. Louis - as per Bernie Miklasz and Jeff Gordon's online columns - is that Scott Linehan is on the hot seat already. Fans apparently are calling for a mid-season Jim Haslett call-up (which is weird...considering our defense sucks), or a possible Marty Schottenheimer return, and even...hold your breathe...a mad Mike Martz return. No word yet on whether or not Ram fans are rooting for Lawrence Phillips and Tony Banks to come back and spearhead the offense.

What this team needs is a conductor. Somebody to teach the defense that missing 17 tackles on fourth and one is unacceptable. Somebody to teach the offense that Marc Bulger isn't a punching bag that's going to last forever. Somebody to conduct this team just as fine as Richard Dreyfus once conducted his opus. Right now, they look like 50 cent trying to conduct a Bach concert. Yet...they don't look as bad as the Cardinals. Your fat neighbor doesn't even look as bad as the Cardinals.

I damn near stepped in corn and pepperoni ridden bear poop today. And that didn't look as bad as the Cardinals.

A naked picture of Rosanne getting it on with Dan doesn't look as bad as the Cardinals.

The sounds my cousin Paul makes when he gets out of bed in the morning aren't even as bad as watching the Cardinals.

Right now...it's sad, real sad...but I'd rather stare at a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on than watching the Cardinals try to pitch and the Rams try to tackle.

Let's hope next week is better. I don't think it can be worse.

It's a damn good thing Britney Spears is keeping us entertained with her hapless, no-good, no-hearted, and absolutely pathetic attempt at being sexy during the VMA's last week. Even having to look at her fat, shapeless body dressed in nothing but ugly underwear that made her face look fat was better than watching the Cardinals. In fact, I watched her performance seven times on youtube. I've only watched the Cardinals once in the last 15 days.

Dear Abby,

Am I even a fan anymore?

Sincerely,
Major Hypocrite and Heartless Moaner